My dear tourist friends,
I find myself writing something similar to this almost yearly. I hope and pray that this is the year it finds you. Let me start off by welcoming you to our little slice of God’s green Earth. Don’t let what’s to follow deter you from coming back, and please don’t let it ruin your trip or view of the people of this area. I, for one, really do appreciate the influx you bring to our economy. I hope you have a chance to enjoy our glorious countryside, our watersports, and our dining establishments. I also hope you were able to shop in our ‘400 Mile Yard Sale,’ and I really hope you found some great deals.
I understand that you probably haven’t been to this area since Labor Day of 2016. I realize that because of your absence, you may feel a need to drive twenty miles per hour under the posted speed limit in ten miles of no-passing zone just to see what all has changed since last you were here.
Please understand that for those of us who live and work in this area year-round, you are a significant inconvenience. We do our best to tolerate you while you’re here, but we have places to go and things to do, and it should under NO CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE US THIRTY MINUTES TO MAKE WHAT SHOULD BE A FIFTEEN MINUTE DRIVE. DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT OR STAY HOME. DO YOU HAVE ANY FREAKING IDEA HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS? I’M GOING TO COME TO YOUR TOWN, FIND WHERE YOU LIVE, AND MAKE IT MY LIFE’S MISSION TO GET IN FRONT OF YOU EVERY TIME YOU PULL OUT OF YOUR DRIVEWAY AND DRIVE 20 MILES UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT AND PREVENT YOU FROM PASSING AND SEE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.
Thank you so very much for your time and understanding,